But.. here I am going to share with you the entire experience. Even about my breakdown. (you already know I am emotional)
Sept. 19th 2017
11am. I arrived at Calamigos Ranch in Malibu and was greeted with a warm welcome by the YogaOutlet staff. They walked me through the gorgeous venue and handed me a giant YogaOutlet goodie bag with my name on it.
The goodies were endless, I shared each item with my followers live Instagram and Peeks while hanging by the pool. It was such a perfect day. I met so many beautiful souls I wish I would have connected with more, but my experience was meant to be within my own soul.
Yes, I can talk about the “social media” side of it ( which, I will later in this post) or I can share with you the real struggle and healing I experienced while there. Some of know that my mother passed away May 2014 and how much it has impacted my life. IT IS an emotional rollercoaster. IT IS a struggle, and IT IS okay. Up until now I refused to feel sad for too long or reminisce what once was, If I thought about it for too long I punished myself by thinking I was living in the past and I wanted to be present and mindful. I wanted to heal from the pain quickly and just move on. But, thats not how it works. Suppressing your emotions doesn’t make them disappear, they just pile on top of each other until one day you explode for what seems like no reason.
The straw that broke the camel’s back.
Before I continue I want to express how truly special this was for me and despite what you are reading I feel more joy in life than ever before. My endless gratitude goes out to each person at the YogaOutlet retreat. Being surrounded by so many beautiful energies helped me remember how powerful human beings are. How beautiful and special we are. Energy is infinite.
I have been in a state of somewhat denial of the death of my mother. Yes I clearly know she has passed but my acceptance or acknowledgement of it has been brushed under a giant rug where it continued to stay until this year.
Shock – Denial
Two months after she passed I basically ran away from it. I moved out of my hometown and never looked back. I lost my entire life back there and I wasn’t about to face the rubble that was left. I had no one, and my dad had made it very clear he was ready to die as well. I wanted to be numb, I refused to feel anything.
Anger – Pain
I was angry for a long time, I was angry at everyone. No one could understand my pain, no one could make it better, and I don’t think I wanted anyone to. I refused to sleep too long incase I had another dream about her, it felt like torture. I had my heart ripped out of me and stomped on by my own family, I was robbed and humiliated. I was angry. Family isn’t supposed to fight over who gets what and how much this and that is worth. My family was hungry with greed, And my father was half a soul. His heart was also ripped out and the only thing he kept telling me was ” I want to be with her, let me be with her” I was so angry.
May 22,2014 I lost everything. I lost my mom, I lost my family, I lost my home, my life, my childhood, I lost myself.
Sadness – Depression
Because my dad was borderline suicidal, I held in many many tears and tried to be strong for the both of us. But when those tears decided to push back, the waves of sadness came in and they were heavy. I cried a week straight like clockwork. I cried on a perfect day, I felt sad and stayed sad, I would get stuck in a sulk sesh and couldn’t get out. Yes, I still feel them, but they pass. Once I kept a dollar bill for 3 months because It smelt like her perfume.
My mother was my best friend, I lost my guide in life. I know now that I will never “get over” her death and I will carry this hole in my heart through this life, but with her loss, my gauge in life has expanded tremendously. I understand so much more. I feel so much more. Its okay to feel sad, let it come and let it go.
The rebuild begins. One day I woke up and I felt okay. I was okay with feeling. Feeling anything even though it wasn’t always a “good” feeling. My social life tells me I should be a certain way, don’t show the bad or the weak, But the beauty of life, of humans, is we are imperfect beings, and we have the ability to create and to feel what ever we want to feel how ever deeply we would like to. That we can have a connection to one another so strong it changes who you are and how you think or feel. That is powerful.
Acceptance – Hope
So the acceptance and hope is supposed to be the last step of Grief. But I feel like Appreciative and Grateful are more accurate emotional words to describe how I am currently feeling. I appreciate everything my mother has given me in life, she has handed me all the tools I need to create my new world, my new life. I am grateful for the magnitude of strength and compassion I now have because of it.
These are the 5 emotional words I have found to help build me back up.
Appreciation – everyone is looking for it, appreciation from you lover, family, friends, boss, teacher, ect.
Clarity – we all want answer, we want to know if what we are doing has meaning or worth.
Love – love is so powerful, we need love. We live for love
Security – feeling safe or comfort in where you reside, having solid friends or a good family or maybe your job
Freedom – for me freedom was within, I felt trapped in my mind, free from anxiety
I am still healing, I will always be cleansing and healing.
Now to the good part!!!
With all that you know now, let the healing begin!
The first yoga class we did was with the Rock n’ Roll Flow with Vinnie Marino and boy did it have me sweatin’ I struggled a bit with staying focused because I had a heavy tight chest of emotions that needed to come out.
Then a product presentation for 2017-2018 yoga trend forecast which was so neat to see, I love the new styles for fall.
Following the presentation was the Deepening the Practice with Ayurveda & Essential Oils with Vivica Schwartz workshop.
As the class started we were handed a test. ( I didn’t sign up for any tests?!)
The Dosha test taught me a lot about myself. In case you are wondering about your own I found a free online Dosha Quiz you can take HERE
We breifly covered essential oils due to our curiosity on our Dosha.. oops! lol
The captivating Amy Ippoliti shared her Self-Care & Collective Empowerment workshop. Which really made me reflect on myself and how I was neglecting some serious self-care.
Following right into Renewing & Restorative Yoga Flow
YogaOutlet /Karma Captures
With a little Downtime to self reflect on my day I chose to keep a bit to myself. then Kinney began to sing live and I could smell the wood fired pizza in the distance. Although I couldn’t make it the following day for the last bit of yoga heaven I ended up tearing up next the some very beautiful and understanding souls. The water works came, but I was happy to feel sad. To share my story and experience with people I just met because I was with a community that gets it. My vunurablliy was no longer a weakness and wasn’t ashamed to share. I found myself expressing myself and sharing advice with people who needed to hear it and listening to myself say it, I needed to hear it.
So.. in this long (roller coaster of emotions) blog post I share with you my special experience with YogaOutlet.
I could go on but I will end with a huge thank you to the president for Yogaoutlet.com Puja Seth forcreating such a wonderful environment and bringing us all together. She is such a beautiful person inside and out. Cant wait to work with her and the whole team again.
You’ve helped more than you know.
*All photos taken by YogaOutlet/Karma Captures