Life, Loss and Change



I wrote this October 8th 2016;

I am human,

I make bad choices and on occasion, fall flat on my face. but really I do.
I struggled for a long time trying to fit in, wearing what everyone else called “trendy” but still felt out of place and well.. uncomfortable. Nothing I bought made me feel good about myself. It didn’t matter how many people complimented my outfit or my makeup choices. In my mind LA was a place for me to start over, find myself and be free of all the shit I was going through back home. Instead LA was a place I re-invented myself. This character of perfection and pose.. which if any of you really know me .. that is far from who I really am. I started to resent people for complimenting me and telling me how amazing I was. ( i know crazy right) But inside I was screaming with an unheard past of pain and loss.
I am never one to ask for help or voice my issues even if its as simple as “can you open the door for me my hands are full with 5 bags of groceries in one hand and my purse, cell phone, keys and venti starbucks cup in the other.” Im more likely to spend 20 minutes trying to open the damn door myself risking the occasional coffee stain ill probably have during the struggle. or worse a shattered cell phone screen.. (which has happened before) It sounds ridiculous I’m sure, but I am stubborn. Even as I sit here trying to find the words to express how I am feeling all I want to do is hit the delete button, But I know that some of you will read this and relate to at least a fourth of what I am trying to share.
Now back to it,
I basically tried to fit in to a world I just couldn’t. I grew up simple and spiritual.. call me a hippie. I loved it, constantly outdoors with family and friends.. camping out in the middle of the mountains.. while everyone was fishing I was lurking around the lakes trying to catch water snakes and frogs. (these would end up being my pets back home) I entertained myself most of the time creating my own skits and singing Michael jackson while my dad filmed me on his old school camcorder. Some times he would prop it up on a camcorder and go outside to do yard work and I’d spend all day entertaining myself.. you could say the camcorder was my nanny. I knew not to be mischievous while it was out .. well for the most part. I just loved watching it play back while a pretended to be a talk show host, pop star, or amazing actress. I knew all the amazing people I saw on TV were in LA and I had to be there.
Fast forward 20+ years later Im finally in LA and I’ve completely lost that little girl. I had my own style at 2 years old and at 27 years old I was letting other people dictate what I was going to wear. WTF! No way! The moment I opened my eyes and realized I was being sucked into this cookie cutter Social Media robot I took a trip with a friend named D’jango.. (lol not thats not his real name but for the fun of it we will use that name) We went to the middle of no where and hiked a mountain. Completely cut off from the outside world for a few day it gave me clarity and reminded me how but I loved to be outdoors .. live simple.
We are all unique and have a completely different outlook on life, as we SHOULD! Don’t let anyone tell you what is acceptable because there isn’t a wrong or right way to expression. The beauty about Humans is we are all unique.
July 3rd, 2020
For those of you are new to I lost my mother in 2014. My whole world came to a screeching halt and I was forced to reevaluate my life and the big question “What makes you happy?”
6 years later I am faced with the lose of my father, being in a completely different frame of mind and fully aware of what makes me happy, this is a different kind of self-expression I write about. Although I miss my mother each and every day I have created my own little family and have not felt love like this in my entire life. My mother and father were soulmates, there was no Steve without Stella and no Stella without Steve. They were able to instill everything that was amazing about each of them and I now get to instill that into my own family. I am so grateful for time I was able to have with them and the pure fact that I can call them my parents. For those of you who have lost a parent, I feel for you, I understand, and you are strong. Be patient with yourself, with your emotions, and with your healing. Those who are blessed to have their parents, let the arguments fade, hug and kiss them loads and make sure to tell them you love them even if you think they already know.
Time goes by whether you are having a good time or not, If I can give any of you words to get you through a time of sadness, doubt, or anger these would be them: We are on this Earth for a blink of an eye, If you only had today, what would matter the most..? your worries, loss, regret? or the love, comfort and happiness we so dearly seek..?
There are two things I make sure to do each day:
Check in with my health
Check in with my happiness

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