Emotions

Its been awhile since I’ve written about my mother’s passing.
I feel it’s important to live in the “now” and reflect when necessary for growth.

I guess now its necessary to reflect for me, in this time of growth I felt the urge to pick up the phone and share some wonderful news with my mother, who let’s not forget– passed away 4 years ago.

This isn’t meant to make you feel sad or sympathize its a time to have strength, understanding, and compassion. I want you all to understand that we all have days filled with emotions, like the caption I shared on my post today. We are all energy. E-motions — its the energy that moves us. To suppress them only causes a build up and the waves will crash harder than any brick wall you can build around it. I chose to live a day filled with bliss, because happiness is a choice. Easier said than done right.. wrong! WE ALL deserve to be happy, to live in bliss, because this body is where we live and if its not a cozy, warm and loving one, you’ll never feel it, you’ll never live it, and you’ll never really know what its like to set your heart free and love the way you should be loved.

With that being said, I am going to share the part of the story that I never shared before.

I’ll tell you the drive to the hospital was a long one, with the sun breaking through the clouds and the vibrant green trees danced with the wind as I drove the scenic route back to my hometown to visit with my mother, I knew.. I knew this would be the last time I said goodbye, the last I love you, and the last time I could feel her skin.

My parents were never married, didn’t believe in it. “If you’re gonna be with someone forever, you’re gonna be with them, signing papers doesn’t mean anything, we don’t own anyone.”

They never had any children after me. only child.. party of one!

When I got to the hospital I was put in a waiting room I had never been in before, more private.. and my whole family was waiting in it. I have never seen anyone look at me with such sorrow, with no hope, and then I knew.. there wasn’t any hope. I felt like Charlie Brown when his teacher starts to talk. I didn’t understand a thing the doctor said, and when he handed me the clipboard, it was like everything went back to real time and my whole family put their heads down.

I had spent 10 days on an emotional rollercoaster ups and downs –she’s stable she’s not, dialysis every day, sleepless nights, so many tears…. and in the end I wanted it to be over, but not like this. This is not what I meant when I said I wanted it to just be over. I was exhausted and helpless, humbled and heartbroken, and on top of it all I had to make the decision. She would never be anything but a vegetable, she never even wanted people to see her without makeup.

I signed the papers, I took her off life support, I let her die. I wish this on no one. I lived it, no one else should have to, and if you have and you’re reading this… I get it, you will always feel what you feel, but know that you set them free and all you can do is live through them, bring all those beautiful amazing qualities that made them so special and carry them with you. Love more than you ever could love because you know how, because you are strong enough to see the reality of life…death. Its human nature and as long as you are living and breathing, every second that you do is precious and every feeling you feel is special and it is you! So if you walk around with your head down hating the world for taking away your loved one… the outside world will only see a human with their head down hating the world… they will never know why. If you go around with your head held high and see only the beauty in the world through your eyes ( find YOUR happiness)  then the outside world will only see a human with their head held high loving the world and everything in it, and they want to be around you, they want to know about you, they want to be in your light.

If I’m gonna walk around this place for 80+ years… I’m pretty sure I wanna feel good for all of them, and only have moments of the other because life is about balance and contrast. We must know the bad so we know what’s good.

I leave you with this:

An entire sea of water can not sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship.

Similarly the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.

Emotions can weigh you down if you do not deal with them when they come.

like a ship it won’t sink unless the water gets inside.

I love you guys!

you are my sunshine.