Twenty Second

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I am not one to share all my feelings and emotional struggles but today is.. well the 22nd,
Those of you who follow me on Instagram or who personally know me understand that the 22nd is a gut wrenching day for me, I don’t know if or when this day will be easier for me to get through but for now its a uphill struggle. My mom passed away May 22, 2014. I can’t even accept it, even after everything I still expect her to walk around the corner and say ” I love you a million M&Ms.”

Words can not describe what I felt when they told me there was nothing more they could do, and they would wait for the family to arrive before they took her off the machines.
The only thought that went through my mind was “NO! There has to be something else you can do! You’re a DOCTOR, this place is filled with doctors! Someone has to help her, she’s my mom!
But then I saw her, and she looked so different, she didn’t even look like herself. I don’t know if it was just because I’ve never seen my mom so helpless before… well I’ve never seen my mom helpless at all, She was always so strong and in control of everything, even me. I relied on her my whole life for everything how is she just going to vanish from my life, She was my rock.. she was everyone’s rock.

The services were all a blur to be honest, I didn’t take part in any of the arrangements, I just couldn’t face reality with it. Looking back I really wish I would have. There is so many things I would have changed but everyone who was left out or not acknowledged knows that my mom loved them and a written obituary or eulogy excluding them doesn’t mean a thing. We all know who my mom touched with her presence here on Earth, they all feel the pain I feel each and everyday that passes without her here.

Up until now I refused to talk about my mom’s passing, I felt that if i talked about it, it became real and I couldn’t face the fact that this is what life is now… my mom is no longer here. I can’t just call her and talk to her about my day or FaceTime her at home and share a glass of wine with her. I couldn’t vent to her, just hug her or here her say “I love you a million M&Ms”.

I will never accept the fact that she is gone but I will live with it, I’ll talk about her because I want her memory to go on and even though I cry every time I think about her too much or say anything about her.
It takes something tragic to really open your eyes on how precious and fragile life is, at least it did for me.. I look at life a whole different way and I will not let my mom’s passing be just that. I will no longer procrastinate, feel sorry for myself, take for granted what I have, doubt what I am capable of. I will be the person I’ve always dreamt I could be but doubted I could achieve to be. To those of you reading this, Thank you and I hope to help each and everyone who needs it.